emotions…
Emotions. They can be confusing, and really hard. Sometimes they even hurt. I honestly know them all to well.
As I am writing this I am dealing with a lot of them and to be honest, I don’t completely understand some of them. But as weird as it sounds this is an answered prayer of mine. For years I have hidden away every big, or little emotion I have ever felt and it wasn’t by accident, it became natural to me because I didn’t want to deal with it all. My emotions became to overwhelming and I didn’t like it one bit. So, I thought why not suck it up and try and forget? I won’t have to deal with them anymore right? Wrong. Doing that made it hurt so much worse, now at first, it made me feel so good, especially since I didn’t think my emotions really mattered much, all I was wanting to do was make those I love happy and feel better instead of dealing with all my hurt, pain, depression, anxiety, sadness, and everything in between.
As I got older I found some of the feelings/struggles I had once hidden away were coming back all at once. It was like every emotion I hid away piled up on each other and attacked me all at once. But when they did, I just covered it up again. You may be wondering how exactly I did that, well… I did it with distractions. Every time I would feel something I would suck it up and bury myself into my electronics, I never wanted to be left alone in my room to be aware of all my thoughts and feelings. It hurt to much.
But now, this morning January 3rd, 2022, I prayed and asked God to uncover every emotion I have ever hidden away so that I can deal with it all the RIGHT way, not hide them, not cover them up, to just really take the time to feel them all and surrender it to God. I have been praying this prayer since I had a call with one of my best friends about everything I had been dealing with. She told me that I needed to start praying God would reveal all my past hidden emotions.
Shortly after I prayed that prayer earlier, I started to feel really down. I was filled with anger, then sadness, depression, anxiety, I felt overwhelmed, and lonely, and everything else. I feel lost. The question that keeps on coming to mind is “Who am I?” It has been so hard for me to take the time to sit down and talk to God, to sit down and bury myself in Scripture. But the way I feel, I have a part of me now that is going to God, that is seeking God NO MATTER WHAT! Back then when I would feel this darkness over me, I never went to God, I was very distant from Him. But now God is with me, and I am talking to Him about it all.
All the lies that have come over me may have torn me apart a little bit earlier, but now I am stronger than ever. Tonight, I was just sitting at my desk, burying myself in my blanket crying, I didn’t want to go on, I wasn’t sure how I could. But then, after journaling for 5 hours, and talking to my best friend, I sat up, opened my bible, got a journal, and started writing out bible verses that spoke truth over the lies, that really spoke about what I was going through. Now, oh my goodness, you don’t know how hard it was for me to actually do it. I opened my bible then sat there and wanted to just bury myself in the feelings again but I got up grabbed my phone, grabbed my journal, and went to the bible app to search for bible verses. I typed in “depression” and the two verses to catch my eyes were:
Matthew 11:28
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest“
Psalm 34:18
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, He rescues those whose spirits are crushed”
God’s Word is so powerful, and I believe He is with me, no matter what you may be facing, whether it’s similar to what I am going through, or something much different, always, always, ALWAYS remember that the Lord is with you, and is just waiting for you to go to Him with your worries. He loves and cares so much for you. You are His child, and He would do anything for you.
I am praying you are having a wonderful day, and that you have an even better week, I am definitely getting there. Talk to you next time!
